When the "beasts" go quiet...

From the 9th to the 15th of May 2022, the Mental Health Foundation hosts the Mental Health Awareness Week, in the UK. This foundation, has created Mental Health Awareness Week 21 years ago and they continue to set the theme, organise and host the week. This year, they're raising awareness of the impact of loneliness on our mental health and the practical steps we can take to address it.

You must be thinking, what may the tittle have anything to do with this?!...well...most people, who struggle with mental health issues, feel lonely and become very quiet or unusually quiet, specially men...a lot still grow up, being told to "man up", "a man doesn't cry", "being sensitive or emotional is a symbol of weakness" and so many other toxic things that in the long run, push them to a difficult situation, that could have been avoided.

It is absolutely shocking that around 75% of UK deaths from suicide are men and suicide is the most common cause of death for men under 50!

Why am I a woman and a mum, writing about men's mental health, instead of my own personal experience? It's not a hard guess...I struggled more to understand a man/boy's mental health and ways of thinking/ feeling than to deal with my own. They're just wired so differently from women/girls...the "beasts" go deadly quiet...women/girls usually don't.

The last two years have been intense, Covid-19, lockdowns, life adjustments...a complete 180 turn, in our lives. I've witnessed and supported some friends of mine, who struggled enormously, their mental health was up and down, like a mad rollercoaster. I didn't struggle, when supporting women/girls, but when it happened with men and more specifically, my eldest son...it was a completely different story.

I've lost track of the hours I spent doing research on men's mental health articles, books I read or hours spent, chatting with one of my men best friends, Damian, trying to understand how do boys and men function, when they're not mentally well. Why do they go silent? Why do they isolate themselves or push people away, when they struggle with something? Why do they behave like cold and heartless "beasts", when deep down, they're sweet and gentle? What made them be that way? Who told them, that was the way to cope with their life's adversities?

I've got to say, men can be weird creatures, but in this case, the stigma is real and can cause men to suppress their emotions in order to present as "manly" and "strong". Men are less likely than women to seek help from friends or medical professionals for mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. They often bottle up these feelings and make things worse. They end up feeling incredibly lonely and hopeless.

I will be very honest with you all, being my son's confident and listening to his suicide plans and realising how edgy he was, at one point, counseling sessions with him, being supportive, loving and caring, but at the same time, not trying to fix him...was a hard one...I'm used to be the person, most my friends come to asking for advise, comfort, support and an idea of how to fix their situations...learning how to hold space, without trying to fix someone is the hardest thing ever...watching someone you love, cry or struggling, just hugging them, or listening to them and doing nothing, but just being there is hard, but sometimes, it's needed and the best option.

They feel the love, support, care, respect and know for sure, you're always there for them, whenever they'll feel ready to come back...no rush, no pressure, no judgement, just the certainty that you're not going anywhere. They can find their own way, at their own pace.

The best thing I've done, was telling my son to have counseling and work together with his counselor, so we could find a way together to help him. Family and friends can only do so much, but working together with their counselors can do a massive positive difference.

He went from being a chatter box, who eats for 2, always around me, to losing his apetite, silent, sleepier than usual, isolated from everyone, speaking about his different suicide plans, how long it could take to die or if this or that way would hurt or not...all this from a 13 years old...it hit me hard...I was so not ready to deal with it and yet, it had to be done.

I thank my lucky stars, every single day, that he is 14 now, has recovered and back to his normal bubbly self, but he still has moments when he stops and asks if this is right or wrong, for him to do as a boy...so....I'll just leave a few things for all boys, men and the girls and women who are part of these boys or men's lives:

• It's ok not to be ok;

• It's ok to cry;

• It's ok to be emotional;

• It's ok to be vulnerable;

• It's ok to be scared;

• It's ok to be quiet;

• It's ok to say no;

• It's ok to think of yourself first, you cannot pour out of an empty cup;

• It's ok to do what feels right to you;

• It's ok to seek help from friends, family or professionals;

• It's ok to change your mind;

• There is always a way out of a hard situation;

• You are not alone;

• They don't need to be fixed, only supported, respected and loved;

All this, plus...

• It's not ok to be told to suck it up, man up and carry on;

• It's not ok to be judgmental;

• It's not ok to made fun of, when you were feeling down;

• Men are not weak for showing their feelings, fears or insecurities...on the contrary, they are beautiful and brave for being sensitive and that takes strength and courage;

• Being different is not a bad thing, it's ok;

• Take 1 day...1 hour...1 minute...1 second at the time...it doesn't matter your pace...take a break...rest...just don't give up...fall 7 times, stand up 8.

If you are concerned that you are developing a mental health problem you should seek the advise and support of your GP as a matter of priority. If you are in distress and need immediate help and are unable to see a GP, you should visit your local A&E. There are also a number of mental health organisations that provide helplines, such as :

• The Samaritans offer emotional support 24 hours a day - in full confidence.

Call 116 123 - it's FREE Or email jo@samaritans.org.uk

• For support in a crisis, Text Shout to 85258.

If you’re experiencing a personal crisis, are unable to cope and need support.

Shout can help with urgent issues such as:

• Suicidal thoughts

• Abuse or assault

• Self-harm

• Bullying

• Relationship challenges

Be gentle with yourself...don't compare yourself with others...we're all in this life, trying to find our own path...no one is better than the other, just different.

Watch this space, I'll be back in 2 weeks!

Love,

Sonia xx